Yesterday ...

I am so thankful that my worth is not determined by the actions on any one given day ... yesterday started out rough- with failures noted all around.

And it seemed to just spiral into a day where there were too many demands on time and not enough hours to complete what needed to be done ... never mind the fact that when I wasn't in the car I was moving and my mind running on overload from the time my feet hit the floor @ 5am and didn't stop until sometime after midnight ... I never really stopped.

No quiet time.

That's what I can not do without.

But where does it fit?? I need time to talk to Jesus- when I don't have that I begin to measure my worth with the wrong measuring stick. The words of others ring far too true to my own ears because I see the faults too- and not through His Blood. I see them through eyes that look on the outside rather than the inside ... that look on the product rather than the effort ...

they don't see me, they see who they want me to be based on what they need from me that day.

I need time with Jesus.

He's the only one who sees who I am in Him-
and who I'm trying to become.

'cause I see the faults and the failures too. But I'm trying to see them as the tools He uses to make me who He wants me to be - not the things I've been cloaked with to make you crazy.

I need time with Jesus.

You probably aren't like me ...

thinking that God isn't God enough to come through on the big stuff. But I confess that I often land there ... doubting He cares. Doubting that He will do something. Doubting that in the end if I am looking for something that He is more of that something than anything else I could fill myself with ...

I was the cook at middle school retreat this week and I was reminded as I sat and listened that anything you esteem as being more whatever you fill this blank in with____________________ ... is sin. And that makes my heart hurt with that realization.

So after everyone had gone to bed, I wandered back to the assembly all and in the dim light of the moon and the soft glow of the emergency light I asked the Lord to remind my heart of all the things He is that I've been trying to find somewhere else ... and He was faithful, quickly this time.

When I long for assurance ... He is there.

When I search for something beautiful in my life ... He is the Most Beautiful.

When I my wandering mind and eye is searching for something creative ... He is the most High Creator.

When I want someone to be my Dad ... He is the most loving Daddy of all.

When I am feel like there is never enough ... He is Enough.

When I yearn for friendship ... He is the greatest Friend.

When my life requires grace ... He is the most Gracious.

When my body and mind reach for healing ... He is The Great Physician.

When I am drowning in my own indecision ... He is the Only Wise God.

When I am desperate for justice ... He is the Most Just!

When my heart needs kindness administered to its ache ... He is the Most Kind!

When my loneliness demands attention ... He is Most Able to Love me.

When my sin requires mercy ... He is the Most Merciful of all!

When my need goes deeper than words can reach ... He is the Best Listener and hears the groanings of my heart.

When I am overwhelmed by my circumstances ... He is the Most Overwhelming One!

When I am in need of pursuit ... He is the Most Passionate Lover.

When I seek restoration ... He is The Restorer of Everything- without the hindrance of human processes!

When I need a Savior ... He is Mighty to Save.

When my overactive mind thinks ... He is the Master Teacher.

When I feel that my past seems unredeemable ... He is the Great Redeemer.

When I sense that my life lacks victory ... He is Victorious!

When I am wandering ... He is Everywhere.

When I need a supernatural X-ray to see the depths of my soul ... He Sees the deepest need in the hidden places.

When my soul yearns for significance ... He Signifies what was and is and is to come!

When I feel that there is none zealous for me ... He is the Most Zealous for everything that I am.

I need a God who IS ... because the longer I look and the harder I search and the more I try ...

the more I realize I simply am not capable.

I can not do this life on my own.

I listened to a sermon late last night ...

and the charge at the end of the podcast was to write down what you've a dream that you've had that you think is too big for God.

And essentially, what I think Scott was getting at was "ask Him to do what you think is impossible".

Just, ask Him.

That's been playing through my mind the entire day. ALL DAY- I've tried to stay busy, tried to be funny, tried to talk men and relationships and kids and football with a friend ... and ALL DAY I've failed to do any of it whole-heartedly because I am so pre-occupied.

You see, a couple of weeks ago I sat at dinner with one of my best friends ... and she asked me what I've dreamed of doing. And I had no answer ... which bugged me. I don't know if it bugged her or not, but it really bugged me. No dreams. Proverbs tells us a people without vision perish. Can you have vision without dreams? Or just by definition, does one require, even demand the other? She had created a list of things she wanted to do ... and she'd accomplished a good many of the things she recounted at dinner that night. I couldn't even think of one thing I dreamed of ...

what has happened to me??

So my feathers got ruffled again last night as I listened to the sermon. Give up? I've given up dreaming, not just a particular dream, but dreaming altogether. So I began thinking about the dreams I once held dear and thought maybe those would work ... I'm task oriented ... if he wanted me to give up something, by George, I needed to come up with something ...

So here goes ...

I gave up my dream to

be the chairman of the education department at Maryville College
play on a softball team again
finish my Masters Degree
pursue a PhD
write a book
take piano lessons
have more children
travel

Those were the things I wanted to 'do' ...

but there's more to the story here ...

in some areas I haven't 'given up' as much as I've become resigned to several things ... and isn't that really the same as giving up ???

I've become resigned to
the fact that I will always live paycheck to paycheck- even if I hate it.
the fact that I am a barely adequate wife- not an excellent wife.
the fact that I am usually way too intense for most people.
the fact that my heart is harder than most on the exterior, but softer than most on the interior. Good luck finding that place though, I haven't been able to do it.


There are probably more that fear just won't allow to surface ...
But tonight I give this list to Him. I am committed to woalk in the Light of what He choses in each area- but in each area, I'd love to see Him do his thing ... even if I don't deserve it!

I was there ...

I was there to listen ...
when she wanted someone to know that she was born and only weighed 1.5 lbs.
when she needed someone to know how its hard struggling with a father,a step-father and being a teenager all at once
when she needed someone to know that she struggles with the same issues I do.

I was there to learn ...
that perfection isn't a prerequisite
that redemption is a miraculous event but living in it is a process
that I can find a place-even when it seems impossible

I was there to say ...
your name is safe in my mouth
you are the princess of the King of Kings
you are His treasured possession- treat each other that way

I was there to begin to re dream ...
because this season will pass quickly
because I have decisions to make
because a people without vision, perish

I was there.

tested ... fail

new song that strikes a cord ...

"Love Me" Lyrics
by JJ Heller | from the album Only Love Remains



He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, "Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew