All the More ...

as I shared a difficult piece of information with my son today ...

I was reminded that it is time to cry out to Jesus ... ALL THE MORE

as I felt the tears welling in my eyes for what seemed like the 15th hour in a row today ...

I was reminded that it is time to cry out to Jesus ... ALL THE MORE

as I realized that there regardless of other's efforts right now, there is noone ...

I was reminded that it is time to cry out to Jesus ... ALL THE MORE

I was faced with deciding will I give up in the midst of difficulty or will I cry out to Jesus all the more.
I want my Jesus to find me crying out all the more ... everyday ... all the more.

An Invitation ...

Today Pastor Scott extended an invitation ... an invitation to lay your most intimate petitions before the feet of our Creator.

People put pen to paper and asked God to intervene in miraculous ways ... took them to the alter, laid them down ... many wept.

I was among them ... asking Him to repair all the things that I can not. And by all, I do mean all. Today I didn't approach Him with my short list of  "can you fix this today so I can go about my agenda?" items. I went to Him laying out all the broken pieces. In the uncertainty of my today, I find myself mindful of the need to just be me. Because the truth is, I'm not asking for some ethereal healing, some theoretical aid ... I have specific requests ... specific needs ... specific hurts ... and a very personal God is interested in those details, right?? Why do we think that the God that took so much care in creating the balanced world we live in, isn't interested in the details of our lives??

If you find yourself in need a God who is interested in the details, I'd love to invite you to join me at The Bubble. God is writing His stories all over the people there every week!

Stories of Joy

There are places in life that we feel known.

That place in between wake and sleep where Randy pulls me toward him and time stops.

The familiar feel of my son's head in my lap,  where I close my eyes and forget that his legs now stretch to the end of the couch and heart reaches for the world that lies ahead of him.

The comfort of a friend's voice- the one that calls through the silence to your heart and brings you back.

In my relationship with Randy, it is a singular experience. I don't have anything that competes with the way that feels.

Any mother will tell you that nothing replaces the way each and every child feels as they melt into your arms. You can love, adore, treasure other children in significant ways ... but when it was the child that God birth into your heart and created in order to breathed life into your soul ... well, there's nothing that compares.

Friendships are unique. We run in and out of friendships our whole life.

And I have been blessed. Names and faces bring a smile to my face ... I can almost run through the alphabet I recon ... Annie, Barbara, Caroline, Debbie ... it is a list that Randy often points to and asks, "How does it happen that someone has so many friends, good friends?" And I do not know the answer except that I have a Heavenly Father that knows me better than I know myself and allows it. I have rarely had a moment in my life that I didn't have significant group of friends.

I am currently in a season where I don't have a 'group' of women I am currently connected with ... I have several. I have my teacher friends. I have my old church friends (sort of). I have my school friends. And then I have 3 significant relationships that I believe God has allowed for an eternal purpose.

One is a long time friend-I have known her since I was 14. She has loved me through many things. She prayed a prayer that God would bring someone into her life with whom she could share the excellent discipleship she had received in her walk with the Lord. When a broken 14 year old freshman walked into her classroom I'm sure she had no idea what the Lord was beginning. But 30 years later I pray that she can look back and see that, though she has no children of her own, I strive to be a living legacy to what she has taught me about Jesus!

One became a friend two years ago, but it seems to me that we have known each other all our lives. Our friendship started over a reluctant breakfast at Cracker Barrel, a vow from each of us to do only what God made us do(with the heel tracks in the pathway to prove it early on) ... pleading all the way that He wouldn't ask too much. Over a busted ankle and broken hearts, He asked for each of us to lay it all down before Him ... and often each other. Consistently He calls me to more than I think I am capable of in our friendship ... and just as constantly it is confirmed that I am safe and our friendship a treasure box He has granted! Meals and carpools and basketball games and cups of coffee can not compare to the treasure of how she sees more in me that I see in myself, loves my son in ways that I prayed for(and he loves her back) ... and we rarely have conversation of more than 5 minutes before we are talking about our Lord. I can't really explain how it works, but bumps and warts,  issues and all my junk exposed ... I think she sees me the way Jesus does ... and that speaks volumes about her spiritual eyes! 

One became a friend several years ago. A difficult circumstance (not of our making) caused us to go different directions for a while, but my new job and new church brought our paths back toward one another. I can not even begin to describe my joy when the Lord allowed our lives to intersect again. I knew when we served at 2 other churches together that we were supposed to 'do ministry' together in some way ... I'd  given up on ever happening ... and then we find ourselves at Northstar together. Wow ...

They call me to look to the Lord. They look deeply into my words, into my heart, into my life and into my eyes whenever possible

and see

past

the moment into motive
the circumstance into the story
the emotion into eternal.

Past the unraveling woe that Jesus refers to in Matthew 23 and into the woman behind the mask. They call me toward authenticity that can not exist in the midst of hypocrisy.

It is with much gratitude that I look to my Redeemer and thank Him for these gifts! Pictures of grace and mercy in my life that reflect the concept of unmerited favor!

Testimony

Revelation 12:11 says, " They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."

last night was small group ... I really didn't think I was going to be there. Honestly, I just didn't feel like it. AJ having homework gave me an easy out. I had a ton of stuff that needed doing. A ton! I went to Wal-mart for the first time in what seems like a month. I have groceries for a week if I'm careful! I took apart the bulk packages of meat, re-packaged them, put them in the freezer. Prepped chicken for supper. Got together rice and broccoli ... mopped my floor, cleaned my counters, loaded the dishwasher, made tea for my men ... and there was just enough time to get to church. I was left with no excuse really.

Funny thing is ...

I love this small group ... real people. real life. real needs. real interest. real care. real God.

Initially when they started talking about the topic for the week I wondered why I was there ... notes from the men's conference. Randy wasn't with  me ... just what I wanted- one more message about being a good man to frustrate me (yeah, I know, crummy attitude) ... but they talked about just what I needed to hear ...

The enemy is a deceiver. DECEIVER. I hate being deceived. I hate finding I am the victim of a liar. I hate being made to look foolish. I hate feeling like I've fallen for the line. And yet I find myself victim to the enemies schemes over and over. He renders me silent like every other perpetrator in my life and I'm tired of it.

The remedy? Put on the full armor of God. The full armor. Every ... day ... every ... piece.

Eph 6:10-17 (NIV) ...Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.


I hate that I'm pretty sure that I looked like there was much on my heart. I was silent ... not by choice, it comes over me like a tarp, choking words at my throat and threatening to expose things in me that are not the picture I want others to see. Words that make me vulnerable and exposed ...

words that speak my testimony.

And then came the Word that the Lord had prepared for me last night ...

Do you have the courage to let the Lord write your testimony?

He's asked me to walk through a moment in time that I do not want to walk through. Since I have acknowledged my desire and His Call to write these God Stories: Testimonies of His People from the Bubble ..  The enemy has struck and the Lord has allowed some serious attacks. I have no control over anything ... seriously ... my job, my finances, my marriage, my son, my friendships, my health ... it really feels like things are flying by at such a frenetic pace that I can't even adjust my eyes quickly enough to catch a glimpse let alone pause long enough to appreciate what has transpired and get a grasp on how to proceed.

But Anita's words rang so true last night, I knew when heard them. And I knew it was the place that I have to start. I can't ask others to allow me the privilege of helping them commit their testimonies to paper if I don't first commit mine to paper.

Even as I type right this very second ... Kari Jobe's song You Are For Me ...

You fill me, You see me ... You know my every move ... You love for me to sing to You ...

I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me,  I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses, I know that you have come down even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are ... 

He wants me to write not for you ... whoever you are reading this right now, but for Him ... the purpose is to remind me (and hopefully others along the way) of Who He Is ...

faithful, constant, loving, true, powerful in all He does, filling me, seeing me, knowing my every move ...

my every move.

Past moves.
Present moves.
Future moves.

My testimony.

patient, gracious, merciful, true, so wonderful in all He does, He fills me, He sees me ...

My testimony.

Never forsake me in my weaknesses ...

not one God Story that He has written in my life is born out of my strength.

Every one is written in my weaknesses.

Revelation 12:11 says, " They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."

I've loved my life too much ... I've been consumed by doing this "right" and been paralyzed by the truth that my life doesn't reflect the pretty stories of marital bliss, financial success, easy relationships and accomplishments.
My life reflects everyday, down in the trenches, wrestling with God over past, present and future, trying to be who He's called me to be, refusing to do nothing, helpless to say no to the need, loving more deeply than my heart feels safe in doing and sometimes paying the price for every one of those truths. But everyday reaping the benefits of doing the hard thing.

And e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.d.a.y. loving Jesus more.

Even on days when I don't know how it's going to work out.
Even on days when I don't like how it's going to turn out.

So will I have the courage to let Him write my testimony? Yes.

What does that mean? Letting the truths of my life, my circumstances become fully bathed in His Grace, His Mercy, His Sufficiency for His Glory

How do I start? For me, I start here for this day. Because it speaks not to the first time I heard God speak ... but the first time as an adult I allowed my heart to surrender. Some have read this before. But it's where the Lord began to peel back the lid on my heart. It's in the rest of the story, after the writing of this piece that work began in earnest to surrender my whole heart to Him. And here because it's where I am being called today.

How long will it take? I have no I idea how long this journey will take ... but I'm tired of being silent. It robs me of my testimony. It robs Him of His Glory. It doesn't give Him any room to make my life more than chaos. And I will choose to believe that He can make sense of all the chaos in my life.

I am excited to take you on this journey with me!

Until I figure out ...

how to fill the silence ...

Ps. 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

I refuse to sit by and offer nothing to those around me. I just can't ... I can't offer without acting ... I can't ask without listening until the end ... I can't look at the world and think it's all about me and my token efforts any longer.

I will ... because He always does ... and sometimes, just sometimes He calls me to be His hands and feet on this earth.

Silence ...

SILENCE: the absence of sound or noise

QUIET: being at rest or tranquility

I've been confronted with a reality about myself that isn't very pleasent. What I once considered quiet is really silence ... and silence has been undermining relationships my whole life.

I come from a family where there was dysfunction. It doesn't matter what kind of dysfunction ... in the end, the result was that silence was expected. Even if the demand wasn't spoken.

I learned to have conversations in my head at a very early age. In my head I tried, with a childlike mind to come up with an adult solution to seriously adult issues.

I didn't say things like my tummy hurts or it hurt when I fell down and busted my leg. I didn't say that teacher was mean to me. I didn't say it makes me uncomfortable when I have to take a shower at school. I didn't say I started my period. I didn't say those two girls are bullying me. I didn't say all of a sudden I was sitting in class and I couldn't breathe anymore and I forgot the last two hours.

I said nothing.

When I went to college I didn't say I can't understand my Stats teacher (literally, her Chinese accent was just too much for my mid-western hearing to grasp). I didn't say I don't like it when my roommate slept with her boyfriend while I was in the bed across the room. I didn't say, no you can't take my car. Nor did I say I need help, my life is falling apart.

I said nothing.

When I graduated from college and enter 'life' ... the trend continued. The issues became more adult, the silence deeper and the damage reached further than I could have ever imagined.

Last week, silence gripped me. The issues ... well, they weren't even real. They were things that in my heart I knew weren't real, but the enemy was having a hayday!! And I was getting my tail whipped!

Silence kept me from clariying what was happening- really happening. Silence allowed the enemy plenty of room in my head to work. I wasn't speaking truth by filling my mind with The Word. I wasn't allowing my best friends to breathe life into the situation because I was shutting them out.

I assumed the worst.

I'm fortunate that someone cared enough to call me on the real issue. I believe the accusation/assessment was my expectation to have my mind read. And I realized that as 'transparent' as I think I am ... there are times when I just plain shut down ... and noone really knows what's going on inside.

It was a hard look at myself. My silence. My isolation.

I had to look at the truth that silence is a way of life for me. There have been moments in my marriage that silence has plagued our relationship. There are friendships that have gone by the wayside because I could not find the words. And there are things in my life that have gone unspoken for years that are lost in time because I simply could not find my voice ... any voice.

Silence has separated me from my heart, my family, my life.

And I have to find a way out.

A new path on this journey.

Our 1st Valentine's Day

I wish there was a picture ... but there isn't.

On our 1st Valentine's Day ... well, Randy forgot. He tried to make up for it by painting a large heart with Randy loves Amy on his step van ...

having trouble visualizing what a step van is??



visualize big heart on the side
RANDY LOVES AMY


This isn't it, but it is very, very close!!! only it was primer gray ... and for months following V-day ... inspite of many efforts to cover it over, he drove around with the declaration bleeding through the new paint job.

Two weeks later, for the middle school career day, he showed up with his van ... and well, you can imagine how my middle school students reacted. It was amusing ... to everyone but me!!

Today, it goes down with some of the most amusing Valentine's he's given ... this one ranks only 2nd to the beautiful "Mahogany Selection" Valentine I recieved at sometime in the next few years!! Tomorrow will come with a tale of it's own I'm sure.

So thankful for smiles over the years!!

On This Day Before Valentiine's Day

I am reminded again that it is essential that we think more highly of others than of ourselves ... that our actions match our words ...

Philippians 2:3(The Message)
Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead.

I John 3:18-20
My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it.

One of the things that I struggle with most in life is people who say things that they don't really mean. I know what it comes from ... it comes from years of waiting on my dad to show up when he said he would ... I know that because it's the same feeling ... it starts as sad, it moves to fear that something happened (my slight OCD rears its head), to almost always finding out all was well, to utter embarrassment for believing again, to a brief period of anger ... to last night and managing to stuff my heart back into my body, off my sleeve, Vowing to never believe again.

But this morning I realize, once again, that isn't even possible. You see, I desperately want to believe ... and so I am resolved to be more aware of the things I say. If I say it ...

IS IT TRUE?? Are my words honest, reliable, meaningful ... or am I saying them in a moment of emotion that leads to a declaration on which I am not even able to follow through? Maybe it just makes me look good in front of my peers or the group or it just buys me influence with someone. Or, maybe I mean it at the time, but inevitably something else becomes more important.

IS IT NECESSARY?? Am I just throwing around words because they make me or someone else "feel good" or "look good"? You know, I am quick with words. Several years ago I became convicted that I was using hurtful words carelessly - borne out of sarcasm and a lack of care for their impact on someone else's heart. I am becoming just as aware that if I just throw around idle words ... even if they are sweet, kind and full of good intention, but lack action ... they can be even more damaging. At least with hurtful words, people see your intent ... when your words build hope that is dashed - it is a dangerous place.

I teach ... and all the time I see the fallout from students who say they are friends and then behave in a manner that doesn't line up with that statement. Earlier in the week, I spent an hour with a mama in tears because her daughter's friend, "her bestie" as the mama sarcastically proclaimed, left her waiting for lunch, only to find that she had chosen a new seat with the more "popular set" ... this young woman is torn. Torn by knowing that we all have choices to make ... but completely baffled by the fact that only the day before that same setting had caused tears for the friends. Knowing that she would have not done the same thing ... not even wanting to do the same thing ... but left in her mama's office wondering what's wrong with her. And once again, life proves to her that she is just too smart and too sensitive for her own good.

In life, I see the same behavior in adult friends. It is no less painful ... I have watched the pain of a dear friend- devastated by words that are spoken and breed hope- consistently break her heart.

I see parents who declare love for children and yet fail to exhibit that in a way that is consistent with what love should look like.

I see administrators who tout their great love for children yet show bias and favoritism because of who knows what.

I see spouses behave in ways that breed insecurity and insignificance in the one they promised to cherish.

People are listening to what we say.

People are listening to what I say.

They are paying more attention to what we do.

Fair or not, actions do speak more loudly than words. I don't know if this was anymore true at any other time in our history ... after all, we have easier access to words than we have ever had. We live in the world when words take precious little effort ... between Tweets, Facebook, Text and email ... we throw around words like they are Obama dollars ... and their value is waning in much the same way that the American dollar is waning. It just isn't the same as when we had to go to the trouble to take a piece of paper, set pen to paper, construct a well-structured thought, put it in an envelope, address it to a specific recipient, stamp it, deliver it to the post office and wait for it to reach its destination ... it wasn't really convenient to throw around compliments or condemnation then ... so we weighed our words value and determined whether it actually was worth our time ... which in turn gave the opportunity to determine if they ever leapt into being.

I can buy a thousand Valentine's that wax poetic ... declare my love ... promise my devotion ...

but if my actions do not follow those declarations, then they really are not worth the paper they are printed on ... let alone the $4 that you paid for it trying to convince some-one that some-thing ... is real.

Now I agree that the only person who can never fail us, let us down, abandon us ... is Jesus. True, valid, proven ... scriptural.

But we have a responsibility.

... esteem others more highly than ourselves ...
... don't sweet talk your way to the top ...
... let's not just talk about love, let's show love ...

The scripture that tells us that Jesus will never leave nor forsake us not more reliable or important that these scriptures.

So I find myself in this place of deciding once again that I also lend as much credence to

I Corinthians 13:5 (The Amplified Bible)

5 It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.

And I am called to forgive. Even when someone doesn't recognize what they did was wrong or hurtful. Even when I don't want to admit that what someone did was hurtful.

And I leave myself open before the Lord asking, is there someone I have hurt with my lack of action?

Who is 1st ...

No one who knows me will be shocked to find that I adore my son.

You won't be surprised to know that at every significant thing in his life thus far, I have been front and center.

You won't question that I know all of his favorite things ...
the things that help him sleep,
the things he likes to drink when he's sick,
where he likes to sleep
and just how he likes to have his head rubbed when it hurts.

What might surprise you is that he spent the sickest day he's had since he was tiny without me this week. And I chose to remain away.

I left for The Little House on Tuesday night-
fairly convinced that AJ had a pretty bad cold, but wasn't coming down with the flu.

I gave instructions for bed, school ... laid out clothes for the following day.
I sent him off to grab food with Cam and then Randy would be home after we had dinner.

I drove about an hour and fifteen minutes away, got the evening report of feeling yucky but ok.
A sweet text came from my boy:
      "I love you mama. I hope you find what you are looking for"

I talked to Randy, everything seemed fine.

I exchanged a few texts with a dear friend who AJ loves dearly ... dearly enough to let her mama him in ways that until now have been exclusively mine ... and she promised to watch over him.

Shortly after my arrival, I curl up on the bed with my Bible in hand, my pen at the ready and I spent the evening with Jesus knowing that I was facing the challenge. Who will I choose to be first?


Luke14:26-27
^26(A) "If anyone comes to me and^(B) does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters,^(C) yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ^27(D) Whoever does not^(E) bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

Hmmm ... dilemma!

I felt called to go away. I was fully persuaded it was the right thing to do. Every obstacle that I could think f to keep me from going fell squarely into place ... with a few people details being the only hitches.

Dear friend has to have a procedure done.
                Maybe I should stay. Asking too much.
                         Assurance comes that she's fine and it is no problem.
School, must find a sub.
                Not even a hitch in it.
                         Didn't even have to fill out the paperwork before I left.
AJ has an emotional moment over a guy, his girl and stress at school.
                Teachers say they will watch out for him.
                          By lunch the next day, he's laughing and cutting up with the friend he wanted to punch.

All obstacles clear.

Friends encourage me to go. Send me with well wishes. Pray- I know they are praying because their prayers envelop me that night like the precious stitches of a grandmother's quilt ... as if to block every attempt at the enemy to rob me of this moment. There are no dreams. No night terrors. Only sleep ... sleep that lasts the whole night through.

It has been month since I slept the whole night through. maybe longer.

At 7 the next morning I learn that AJ is sick. REALLY sick. 103+ temp ...

I am torn. What do I do. My dearest friend is going to be with him. Randy is only minutes away at work. But my heart is breaking.

Who will I choose?

I want to be a part of this ministry. I want to follow You Lord, with my whole heart. Why are you asking this of me ... why.

And I am reminded of Abraham ... marching Isaac up the mountain.

Sometimes God asks us to do the hard things without knowing the outcome first.

For every Abraham who dares



to kiss a foreign field


where glory for a moment grasped


Is for a lifetime tilled…


The voice of God


speaks not but once


but ‘til traveler hears


“Abraham! Abraham! Bring your Isaac here!”


“Bring not the blemished sacrifice.


What lovest thou the most?


Look not into the distance,


you’ll find your Isaac close.”




“I hear the tearing of your heart


torn between two loves,


the one your vision can behold


the Other hid above.”




“Do you trust me, Abraham


with your gravest fear?


Will you pry your fingers loose


and bring your Isaac here?”


“Have I not made you promises?


Hold them tight instead!


I am the Lover of your soul—


the Lifter of your head.”




“Believe me, O my Abraham


when blinded by the cost.


Arrange the wooded altar


and count your gains but loss.”


“Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes until unveiled you see—


the ram caught in the thicket there


to set your Isaac free.”


“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount


to walk right by your side.


No longer in your iron grasp


but safer still in mine.”


“Or I may wrap him in the wind


and sweep him from your sight


to better things beyond your reach—


believe with all your might!”


“Look up, beloved Abraham.


Can you count the stars?


Multitudes will stand to reap


from one dear friend of God.”


“Pass the test, my faithful one;


bow to me as Lord.


Trust me with your Isaac—


see,


I am your great Reward.”
Beth Moore


The Lord wasn't asking me to sacrifice AJ.
Or was He?

You see for years I've begged the Lord to protect him. I have too many children who already reside with Him in Heaven. We planned many children ... the number knit together in my womb are known only with certainty by the Creator. AJ is the one I got to hold in my arms ... and I've spent many years in fear that something would happen to him.

Riding a bicycle, wrestling with Randy, back country hiking, 4-wheelers and motorcycles nearly did me in ...

all of those things caused me to plead with God to please not let anything happen to him. Yet there never seemed to be a spiritual struggle in the pleading. I didn't recognize the lack of trust I was displaying ...

There are a lot of layers here to the struggle at The Little House  ...

will I trust the Lord with AJ?
will I trust that am following the call and continue to be obedient?
in being obedient will I choose my God over my child?

And so early in the day I decide I will stay. I can hardly speak knowing he's there and I am thankful there is no one around who requires my voice.

As the day goes, I read, pray, write a bit ...

texts come-
"I'm missing you mama."
"I'm really missing you about now."
"I love you mama"

Each time I promise myself that if he ever says, "I need you or please come home" ... I'm outta there.
Those texts do not come.

Early afternoon, I fall asleep with my Bible in my arms ...
when I wake, it's as if the room is filled with His spirit and we begin to talk ...

I talk out loud ... its the first time I hear my own voice really conversing with The Father.
I've prayed. I love to pray ... mostly it is in my head ... or on paper ... or with other people listening and i wonder now if I'm praying to Him or for them. 

We talk about some hard things.

There's much confession and a fair amount of petition.
Things I want Him to speak to a heart that I can't reach, that I can't hold ... but I am overwhelmed by the knowledge at that moment that He can.
So I name names and dream dreams of how I wish it were different.
And then I open up my hands and release those "what ifs" that I have been white-knuckling for years.
And they are secure in His Presence.
Not only are the secure, but they are complete
Not only are they complete, but they are no longer mine.
They fall back under His command-
His plan.
His purpose.

Waves of emotion wash over me for what seemed like hours.

And then I was empty.

While that feeling was unsettling and continues to be ... I realize in the emptying of myself, my plans, my dreams and my regrets ... I make myself ready to receive Him, His plans, His dreams and His Redemption.

It's a fine line ...

sometimes ... it just takes one more thing piled on ... and ... well ...

I'm not sure it was the most important part ...

but it was the part that welled tears in my eyes this morning again ...

The Little House picture didn't take ... I don't know why. But the physical place of my retreat was special. The precious friends who supplied me with pretzel chips and a pink stationary set, flowers and precious words was a blessing- and really the encouragement that I needed in the face of not being sure whether or not to go!

But on Tuesday night a precious thing happened to me ... something that, for whatever reason, has rarely happened in my life.

The circumstance is all too familiar- me alone, arriving in unfamiliar surroundings, under less than ideal circumstances. For years I have traveled to and from Indiana and parts hither and yon ... by myself. No one really worried or concerned. And in truth, I probably wouldn't have had it any other way!

The night was filled with driving rain. It was cold. It was wet. The interstate was busy! I was later than I anticipated because my husband wanted to have dinner with me before I left- another unexpected blessing but it meant I was going to be an hour later than I wanted to be to my destination.

So, at 8:45 or so I pulled into McD parking lot and waited for the precious people who were loaning me the use of their cottage for this time away.

They didn't want me to wander around in the rain trying to follow directions to reach my destination.

They met me, guided me, insisted on helping me carry in my bag ... and we entered this little room - they had clearly anticipated my arrival. They had made preparation for me that FAR EXCEEDED what I anticipated. And I have to confess, I was slightly uncomfortable with it all ... I did not want to be a bother. It was hard for me to ask to stay ... but it was clear that even in the midst of about 10 other things this precious woman had done that day ... she had been glad to add me to her list. A precious card lay from her lay propped on the pillow- I recognize the writing.

As they helped me settle the most unexpected thing happened

Before they left, the precious fella of this couple put his arms around me and asked "Are you ok, baby?", I wanted to fall apart in his arms and say, "NO ... I don't know what's wrong, but NO I am not. "

I didn't. I'm not sure why, except that I just never do.

I was blown away that on this occasion when Jesus and I would be talking about some hard things He started out by making sure I knew that there are good men ... really good, honorable, trust-worthy men. That if I had crumbled, it would have been safe. There was a place to fall, even if in a million years I would never use it ... He had supplied the knowledge that it existed. And I know it was a gift. Just because He loves me ...